Today, as I am sitting here, trying to ignore my feelings for Boss-C… Trust me, it is not easy. Sometimes, I wonder if I really loved my ‘ngao ngao’ .. I don’t know really. ‘ngao ngao’ is the very first guy who took care of me, but do I love him? He was there when ‘H’ broke my heart (stupid infatuation with a guy 3 yrs younger than me), when my mom had stroke, he drove me to my home (abt 200km away) every weekend for a year … took care of me when I am sick (though not very gentle and sensitive with his remarks..) … maybe he is my angel? How can I hurt my angel? But what if I only love my angel as a very dear friend? I am not sure how special is my feelings for him … I remember Rudy, I really liked him but I ignored my feelings, and tried to stay loyal. I am having this feeling again. ‘ngao-ngao’ to me is childish, self-centered, and insensitive and once he nearly … went unfaithful, he confessed. I am in a dilemma, how can I be in a relationship for over 8 years … not knowing if I am really in love?
Oh god, please give me a hint that I have not wasted my 8-years? Give me a hint that ‘ngao ngao’ is the right guy for me?
Even when we registered our marriage, I felt it was an obligation, not because I want to, but it looked like the right thing to do after 8 years?
Tomorrow is our 8th year first date anniversary … yeah, ironic – Sept-11
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